Every moment of every day, the same thing loops in my mind. I want to run away, I don’t deserve this, I don’t want to do this anymore, the monster must be slain for me to live a life of peace; so all these thoughts can go away. It is not healthy and it is not what I want to consume my life. I want art and silly little adventures, I want to teach about blackness and it’s importance while giving true history. I feel so stuck in a cycle in real life, in my mind and in my dreams. I Can’t Escape.
This is a continuation of my first journal; A Creative’s Plight. But this journal pertains to a dream I just had last night and I actually need to get it out because I have never felt this way and never experienced this in a dream before. This is slightly graphic story involving urine and rootworking, viewers discretion is advised.
I am in my room with my grandmother, talking to her. I heard something happening outside my door so i leap to see what it is. Nothing seemed to be different. Boxes and bins that haven’t been unpacked for years. But there was a strange liquid in jars on top of my things. 5-6 jars of urine… Who and why would they do that. Who? we already knew. But Why… This weird act for what. All around my door and no where else in the house. My father comes from his hiding hole. I am clearly upset. I begin to pour the jars of liquid on to their things in the living room; in a shopping cart that is blocking the front door. My father begins to look visibly upset at me. He’s telling me oh they think you’re doing witchcraft on them.. I immediately say yeah so they leave me alone. But in my head i’m thinking is this a truth spell that’s being put on me because why would I say that? or am I just crashing out coz I’m fed up? I’m Spitting while saying all this, the type of frustration of just wanting to be left alone. but everyone that was there; my father, my nana who morphed into someone else and 2 other people. Where looking at me crazy. The look they gave me was like I was the crazy one for wanting peace. they were willing to sit through all of that and not do or say anything….
Though this story is short it has impacted me so much so, I had to write about it.
I’ve Never had someone look at me the way these people did. Like I was crazy, like I was not justified for my crashout. Like I shouldn’t be doing everything my ancestors gave me to bring peace to me and the place I live… Am I the black sheep of change? Maybe… I’ve had other vulgar dreams worse than this but physiologically here, It was the worst.
Not only is the monster taking up my time and energy in real life. I can’t even escape into my dreams and have a good time there. I am dealing with this 24/7. Having to go to court because they feel threatened… like I’m not the one having panic attacks about their existence in my home. My thoughts are consumed by this and I have dreams almost every night concerning this. I am so tired of this. I am so tired of dealing with this. Ctrl + Alt + Del would be cool… so it ends but I have so much I want to do in this small life i’ve been given and i’ve wasted 10 years, stopped developmental growth because of this.
Running away didn’t help, distractions do not help because I have to come back and live with a beast, people telling me to wait for the good things coming, does not help. I feel like have no real friends that I can spend time with. My partner doesn’t want to see me. I am physically alone all the time… in my thoughts, in my house where the beast resides… So I am in this constant cycle, I am constantly frustrated and the weight that this carries on my body created 2 herniated discs and SI that physically stopped me from existing. on top of the constant panic I am in. The life I live feels like it’s being wasted. I am not excited for things, It’s always something. I want to have a Win in life. Something… Anything…
School is suppose to be my win, the get away plan with purpose. Going back to college, dorming and moving forward. But I’m still here, In the lair with the beast…
I wish I had a happy ending for you. I’m still drowning .